Indifferent

Lost? Yes.

Indifferent? Totally.

Apathetic? Not so sure.

People? Not a big fan right now.

This little cursor has been blinking in front of me now for a little over an hour. I know I have a lot inside me that needs to be let out, and somehow I just can't find the words to explain it. It is probably going to come out totally cluttered.

Here I am, totally lost and in desperate need of guidance. Everyone think they have me all figured out, but, I don't really think anyone does. Where am I supposed to go from here?

One moment, you have your life figured out and the next, you're as lost as a 5 year old in times square. Is it Ok to be this lost? Is it Ok to not know where my life is going? Is it Ok to just not give a crap? Find me someone who can answer those questions. I think I might need to get a couple of therapy sessions. Just to get everything off my chest -might need a lot more than a couple of sessions- with someone who isn't in my life.

Right now, I am not a big fan of people. I came to the conclusion that no one gives a crap, even when you do care about them. Every man for himself, I guess that's how everyone's been living.

All those things are just pushing me away from everything in this life. It just pushes me forward to pack up my shit, take off and never come back or look back for that matter.

This might seem like a depressing note. It's not, or at least I'd like to think so. I don't need anyone's sympathy. I need people to be real. I am sick of this shit.

"I thank whatever gods may for my unconquerable soul. I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul."

The Day The World Stood Still

Yesterday, the 22nd of November 2010, was just a normal day like any other day until I've gotten the news that's been hidden from me all day; that world has gone cold and one of the greatest men was taken from it.

I wasn't related by blood, yet, we had a very strong, unexplainable bond. A bond that is between of father and son. Despite his relationship with his estranged daughter, He acted as a dad to me whenever I was in trouble or needed help or even love advice. He was my dad and also my uncle because according to him "No one loved my dad as much as he did and they were closer than brothers."

I would never forget all the times he made me feel awesome about myself. There wasn't one telephone call that he wouldn't make one of his amazing comments. Even the last time I ran into him on the street his comment was "I didn't realize it was you. I was wondering who was that handsome young man in the car."

I can't get over how charismatic he was. Even at the darkest times, when he was fighting for his life, He was a very pleasant company that made you feel nothing but greatness about yourself. Even the nurses couldn't help but be around him because the way he made everyone him feel.

Today, I can safely say that I lost a Father, an uncle, a mentor and above all a friend. I want to thank you for every good thing you've told me, every advice you've given me, every smile you've put on my face and the times you got me out of trouble or gotten back at someone for bothering me.

I am nothing but sad for my loss, but, I know you're in a better place. I wish you may rest in peace and find your way safely into the heavens.

Come tomorrow, I will be standing at your funeral like the son I am to you.

Your Son.

Numb

I thought it would be getting easier now, but, it certainly is not.

The stuff that bring me warmth and security are being taken away from me. It only makes my world a colder place. How unfair to be given the comfort and then taken from you. I feel like a drug addict going through withdrawals except that mine are a million times worse.

How do you expect me to see you and not kiss your hand just to show you how thankful I am to have you in my life?

How do you expect me to see you and not hug you just to show you how much I've missed you when I don't see you, even if it was for a day or a few hours?

How do you expect me to see you and not kiss you, even though you know that your lips are like a drug to me?!

I'm in no mood to write and in no mood to do anything else. I'm in the dark tunnel and can't seem to see the light even though I know it's there.

Just numb.

Drained

For the past couple of weeks, I haven't been OK. No one even feels what I am going through except for one. I've been feeling that I have the weight of the world on my shoulders making it hard for me to breath. The past couple of weeks have been rough on me.

I've been looking for an outlet to vent through, and I can't seem to find one. I've been feeling that my energy is slipping through my fingers like a handful of sand and I can't find a way to hold on to it. The hardest part of my day is trying to get myself out of bed. I can't seem to be able to do anything, not even a simple argument. I have even been losing my appetite a bit by bit.

In other words, I am running out of energy. I'm just DRAINED!

"And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you."